Sex in hostels: as in, please do not have it

Abe and I have been in New Zealand for about 2 months now, but we've only stayed in 3 backpacker hostels so far, since we were working in Franz Josef for the bulk of this time. In 2 out of the 3 hostels, we have been, what in college we would have called "sexiled." People had sex in our rooms. But in college, no one has sex with someone while their roommate is in the room, they make them wait outside until the sex is over. In the backpacker world, however, I am discovering that it is quite common for an intoxicated backpacker to bring back their chosen sexual partner for the evening and have sex with them in a multi-bed dorm room. Even if this room is full of 6-16 other people, and even if these people are awake.

The first time I witnessed hostel sex, I was horrified. It was loud and seemed to last for an eternity—what began as whispering and kissing slowly progressed to giggling and heavy breathing, and I kept thinking, “This is not going to happen. This girl will never say yes to having sex in a multi bed dorm room in a hostel. She is going to say no.” And then the creaking noises began. So, apparently she said yes.

I couldn’t find my headphones that night, and I was so paralyzed with shock that it was even happening that I listened to the entire thing, including the girl letting herself out at the end. Needless to say, I was traumatized for a few days, and just a bit angry.

My second time as a witness, I was prepared. I had already fallen asleep on a top bunk of an 8-bed dorm room when I woke up to someone accidentally turning on a light and laughing about it. Another voice, a girl, laughed and slurred, “Are there other people in here?!” Crap, this is going to happen again.

I had my headphones on and Radiohead’s new CD blasting just as the first bout of heavy breathing began. Fortunately, I had been meaning to give this new album a close listen since I bought it a few days before just hadn’t found the time. Now the time had found me. After my first listen I tepidly removed one earphone to see if all was quiet yet. I heard moaning. And I decided this album was really deserved of a second close listen at full volume.

Somewhere during that listen, the sex concluded and the girl went home. I looked down at the backpacker guy sprawled out on a bed below me like a caveman: mouth wide open, dirty-looked hair matted, legs and arms hanging off the bed, and wondered, “Who ARE these girls?!”

I know I could be wondering who are these guys too, but it just doesn’t seem as hard to fathom. I have seen far too many male backpackers around who look like they haven’t showered in weeks (even though all of the hostels I’ve stayed in have great showers) and are on their 15^th country on their world tour or something. I can just hear them in my mind telling stories to their friends when they get home about sleeping with girls in every country in the hostels. And if any of their friends bring up the fact that other people sleep in those hostel beds and probably listened or saw these sex acts, they would laugh and say, “Hey, I hope they enjoyed the show.”

No. We are not enjoying the show. But maybe I’m not being fair because after all, guys are people too. So, I’ll just say this:

If you are having sex in a multi bed hostel, yes, all of the other people in the hostel are awake, and yes, they hate you. Please stop. If you are thinking about having sex in a multi bed hostel, don’t. Man up and pay for the single room, it’s only a bit extra, and many, many people who got to go through life without witnessing sex in a hostel will thank you in the long run. And I will thank you right now because I still have a few months of staying in these hostels to go.